The Inexcusable Awfulness of US State Flags

Yes, it's another flag related post, immediately after the last one. But this one also involves mocking America, so it's cool.

In today's lesson we'll be seeing how American state flags are generally among the most ill-conceived and hideous designs in the history of vexillology. Most of them are just plain awful, with astonishingly lazy, crowded, and/or eye-watering designs.

American state flags have an odd little history, which is to say that most of them have none at all. More than half the states in the union had their flags designed during the latter part of the nineteenth century through to the early part of the twentieth. They were mostly invented through a contest and destroyed through a committee. Those that were not were instead adopted through the simple method of shoving the state's seal onto a plain blue background and writing the name of the state next to it in large, child-friendly letters, just in case the citizens of the state didn't know where they were.

Here's a map to illustrate my problem with these abominations:

If your state borders Canada, its flag is probably shit.

All states shaded in green have writing on their flag. All of them! There are four levels of transgression:

• Very pale green states have writing on their flag in the form of a motto or other vaguely excusable form.
• States in mute mid-green have the name of the state on the flag.
• The more lurid green shows states whose flags display the state's great seal (featuring writing), but not the state's name.
• Dark green indicates states that literally did what I jokingly implied above: pasted their seal along with the state's name and called it a day. Tossers.

You might wonder why this bothers me so much. There are many reasons why. For a start, a flag is not a book. Nor should a flag be so poorly designed that you actually have to tell people what it represents on the flag. seals are what bother me the most. There's an implication that a flag should be a fabric version of logo, but that's not the case. Flags should be easily recognisable, be capable of being drawn by children, and be evocative. The other good reason why this is a bad idea is that the flag should look absolutely fine when the wind is blowing in the opposite direction. Think about that one, Michigan!

(Oregon gets around this by having a different image on each side of its flag, thereby getting two for the price of one. Both are irredeemably ghastly.)

Yet there are more stupid things about US state flags. The flag of Alabama is required by law to have a red saltire (a big X) that's no less than six inches wide. That's right: an Alabaman flag on a coffee mug would have a cross on it larger than the mug itself. Welp.

To quantify their utter godawfulness, I've mapped out US states by how much they disprove the existence of a loving god.

As you go further south, flags become more attractive. This is the only thing that becomes better in the south.

I've quantified the flags with a score of 0 to 16 depending on how much blood poured out of my eyes when I looked at them. An ideal flag (not necessarily an attractive one) gets a score of 0. Flags gain points based on several factors: more than one star, because they're just so overused in US flags; writing, sorted by the severity of the offence; state seals; and awful colour choices. Oregon gains a point for the reason described above. Nevada gains one for having a violent motto. Good God, America, for shame.

And it really is a shame. The US national flag, despite criticism by ... er, critics, is actually pretty good in my opinion. And the flags that got a score of 0 are generally excellent (well done New Mexico). I should point out though that my scoring was not based on whether or not I personally liked them (otherwise the map would be almost entirely red), but on a fair and impartial system based on my own opinions for what makes a flag that isn't so bad that it's unworthy to even serve as toilet paper.

Check out The Flag Designer (abandoned) or Welcome to America for some alternative proposed state maps. I may well design a few myself. I think I have an idea for Vermont's that doesn't involve fire.